I opened my diary and staring at the date, 10 June 2008, I raised my pen and just for a moment I couldn’t bring myself to write the words “Max leaves today”. There it was in black and white and finally it was over. The long and protracted death of my marriage draws to a close. I didn’t know how to feel. At first a sense of relief was followed by a rush of excitement or was it fear of the unknown? Being on my own without a man in tow was not something I was used to and especially hard to face at my age! Refusing to let myself dwell on his departure, I threw a “Divorce Party” a strictly all girl affair. I announced it on my Facebook page for the following evening. I prepared some food and everyone brought a bottle.
My house and garden was full to the brim with friends, old and new, that came to lend their support. They knew I had been through a lot and enjoying the warm summer’s evening we exchanged stories about life, loves and the future. Nothing like a bit of girl power to blow away all traces of a man and with much giggling about the hidden haddock, the whole evening was a great success and with my annual visit to the Ascot Races on the horizon I was in a buoyant mood.
Later that week, I was in a local pub having a noisy and hilarious conversation with anyone that would listen when I announced loudly that “All I need now is a nice toyboy”. A young guy that I knew vaguely shouted back “look no further”. I turned to look at him and thought “hmmm nice but young”. He grinned at me our eyes met and I could feel a stirring. Deciding that he was joking I made a quick exit. But it didn’t end there.
Over the next few weeks we bumped into each other a few times. I found out his name was Jason. We had some mutual acquaintances and spent lazy hours in various pub gardens, chatting about this and that and making small talk. I was just happy to be out and about and wanted to enjoy my new found freedom. I still had the moving to do but that, as usual, was stuck in the legalities. So I was happy to be diverted and he certainly diverted me. Always pleased to see me, his face would light up when I arrived anywhere. He was light and easy company and very easy on the eye. Tall, at least 6ft 3, he had a mop of blonde hair and large expressive blue eyes. He was all arms and legs and rather on the lean side but I didn’t mind that, lean and keen I thought.
At some point we exchanged mobile numbers and we used to text each other from time to time. He was growing on me, but I just wasn’t sure he was serious or that I should, after all he was only twenty and it seemed too shocking to contemplate. I wrestled with the rights and wrongs of taking it any further but the temptation was getting more difficult to resist. I was keen to find my feet and I felt the need to establish myself as a single, confident woman with a sex life. There had been precious little sex in the last two years of my marriage and as I rated sex highly on my “To Do” list, I had missed it in more ways than one. Painful as my first attempt at filling the gap had been and resulting in the hangover from hell, freedom gained, I was now chomping at the bit. So, his obvious interest in me sexually, he kept those blue eyes of his trained permanently on my cleavage, was quite intoxicating and I found myself flirting quite openly with him, just to test the water. The water soon reached boiling point.
One warm balmy summers evening (16st July according to my diary) a few of us were meeting at the local pub after work. He was there as usual and we exchanged a few words and glances. My intention was to have just one white wine spritzer, but the conversation was fun and before I knew it we were on number three. He manoeuvred himself so he was sitting next to me and suddenly my phone went off indicating I had a message. I opened the message; it was from him, three simple words “I want you”. My stomach did a summersault and looking at him I whispered “If we do this, no one, and I mean no one, is to know”. He nodded vigorously in my direction but I got the impression he would have agreed to jump off a cliff if I’d told him too. The fact that we had to be so covert made the whole thing more exciting and very naughty. So decision made the next problem was where?
My son was at home most of the time and he lived with relatives. I was suddenly feeling exceedingly rampant and my mind was racing, trying to think of somewhere we could go. The daily HRT was working a treat and having been celibate for months my desire was taking over any idea that my brain might have had on being sensible. He wanted me and that in itself is a big turn on. In my head I was already conjuring up pictures of the kissing and the stroking and the getting naked. At this point one of the crowd suggested we went back to her place so we fell out of the pub and chattering loudly we made our way there.
Jason and I acted quite normally but exchanged deep and meaningful glances, which had the effect of revving up my already simmering lust. And then, as luck would have it, we found ourselves alone in the hallway. At last, an opportunity. Talking about something totally irrelevant just to keep up the pretence, we edged closer and closer until, whilst pretending to admire a photo on the wall, we managed a furtive but passionate kiss. My revving turned into a full blown engine roar and blowing caution to the wind I suggested that I could possibly sneak him in at home, if he was game. Indicating that even if he wasn’t game, the thing in his trousers was definitely rising to the occasion. We fashioned a plan of escape. He was to appear to go home and then double back and arrive on my doorstep. We spun our stories and made our excuses. He was getting dropped off by a friend and I was on foot, they drove past me and I waved them off giggling all the way home.
Luckily my son was asleep and as the house was quite big and he slept on one side and me on the other, I figured that, with a bit of luck, I could get away with this and he need never know. I slipped into a silky dressing gown but left my bra and knickers on to make me feel less naked. Then the panic set in. Oh My God! Was I mad? I was about to have sex with a boy young enough to be my son’s mate (he wasn’t!) I wish I’d been on the diet longer; hope I can have the light off; would he notice my back fat; did I smell alright; Oh Christ did the bed squeak? I ran over and gave it a wiggle.
The only action this bed had seen was me in it alone, sleeping, snoring and reading “Harry Potter” and Dr. Phil’s “Relationship Rescue” – fat lot of good that was! The bed was a virgin and I bloody felt like one. Just at the point where I was losing my nerve, I saw the security light go on and looking down I could see his tall gangly figure lurking on the steps below.
I crept down the landing listening at my son’s door for any movement on the way. My biggest nightmare would be for my son to discover me in the throes of passion and yet I was still prepared to take the chance. Funny thing desire, it makes you takes risks. Opening the door and ushering him in, I lead him up the stairs, like a lamb to the slaughter! Past my son’s room, and onto my side of the house. Once inside, with the door firmly shut, I felt a little better. It was rare for my son to wake. Please god, don’t let it be tonight.
Once alone he seemed a little nervous and I now seemed to be in charge. Suggesting he may want to get into the bed he undressed and, leaving his pants on, slipped under the covers. I had a glimpse of his body and as I imagined, he was very wiry and looked like he needed a decent meal. Handy then that he was about to have me on a plate. I stood in front of him and slipped off my dressing gown, trying to be seductive.
I had turned off the light but the room was illuminated by the street lights and the full moon that had risen – not an omen I hope! The sight of my body seemed to excite him and he muttered something about “gorgeous and sexy” as I slipped in beside him. We kissed and kissed and then kissed some more. He still seemed a little anxious and excitable but was exploring my body with enthusiasm. In fact, it was like going to bed with an adorable puppy. He…..